he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
That's how pantless uber rides happen
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
