Don't you send me to vm
dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Randomize
