I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
