I cannot find my penis.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
