My sheets look like a crime scene.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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