I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
