saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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