don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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