Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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