omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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