none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
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