After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
