fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
