there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
