GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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