I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
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