He uses pillows to masturbate.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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