I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
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