I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
