Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize
