I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
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