True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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