why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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