The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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