I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
