she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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