I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
You dont lie about slip and slides
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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