What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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