Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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