then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
