I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
