Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
