my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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