we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
