We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
