you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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