i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
