I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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