Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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