i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
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