Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
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