to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Randomize
