at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Liz is crying about burritos again.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
