Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
