btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
