I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
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