6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Randomize
