I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
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I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
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thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
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