I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Randomize