cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize