Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
