Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Randomize
