Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Randomize
