my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
