headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
