My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
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