The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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