New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
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do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
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So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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