Only a mothe r could love this liver
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
