i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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