I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
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