Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I pour the whiskey from now on
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Randomize
