My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
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