I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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