I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
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