The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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